Thought that we'd be there by now.Ha!..high hopes right??Its all such a shame isnt it?..Everythings so mixed up.I can't even make out what im feeling.Random emotion at random moments.Deliberate emotions..am i not supposed to feel that way?..so here i go..feeling it..or atleast pretending to...Too many divisions and im confused.All that previous hurt keeps haunting me.Has nothing changed?The problem is,i think, that I want it all.Certain things said in jest make so much sense.Somethings have been realised.Knowing that im being watched ,everything i do or say being recorded,especially now..when my mind is in complete chaos..and im acting!Yea...acting fine..and mostly happy.Quite a few times i really am.Happy, that is.But then i see those amzingly happy moments and im acting thru my tears..smiling,joking,laughing,blowing bubbles..Or other times like today...the facade is broken into and I cant take it any longer.Cause it hurts.The emotional scars being uncovered and rehashed.And you'll wonder where that much hatred comes from??I'm not okay with it.And asking you'll to stop is obviously not working.
Longing...wanting..needing..that which is unattainable.Even if it were,too much is at risk.Way too much!
Oh and then theres that unending..err..hesistancy?..insecurity?..shyness?..inconfidence?..apprehension?..self-conciousness..uncertainty.. that keeps me from saying what i want to..when i want to..how i want to.I guess im just disappointed with myself and the way im behaving.
Teesha and Tears go hand in hand!!..rather eye to eye?
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